“I remember so clearly the day my son told me … I couldn’t seem to accept what he was telling me and I said the silliest of things like, ‘We’ll try to get something done about it,’ and that he was probably imagining it. I mean, it’s something that doesn’t happen to your family, only to other people.”

For many GLBT people, this is an all-too-familiar scenario, as recalled by a mother of a gay son in one of the 50 letters in My Child is Gay, a collection of coming out stories from the parents’ perspectives. Subtitled How Parents React When They Hear the News, it features a diverse range of viewpoints – from a Perth mother of two lesbians to a Kiwi-born father of an HIV-positive son. Every concern is aired – grandchildren, HIV/AIDS, homophobia, religion, suicide, stereotypes, social acceptance and more. But each story is underpinned by love and resilience.

Since the first edition was released in 1998, My Child is Gay has helped tens of thousands of families, been reprinted multiple times, translated into other languages, and is even read in some high schools.

It’s been a wild, but heartening, ride for Bryce McDougall, the book’s editor, who compiled the stories after coming out at sixteen to Baptist parents in 1983.

“Their exposure to homosexuality had been entirely negative, they were brought up in strict religious families,” McDougall tells SX. “Mum considered the devil was at work in my life and Dad said he’d have nothing to do with me unless I went straight.”

So, McDougall, who is now based in Sydney, took it into his own hands to design a resource that could speak directly to parents from the voices of other parents of gay or lesbian children.

“In their own language, parents courageously shared how they dealt with the gamut of emotions that arose when their son or daughter came home and said, ‘Mum, Dad – ‘I’m gay’,” he says.

The book attracted intense media attention, which helped mend some of McDougall’s personal wounds.

“When My Child is Gay was first released there was heaps of publicity on TV, radio and in the press.  All of a sudden I noticed Mum and Dad starting to lighten up. I think friends and family started telling them they’d seen me on TV, and they had no choice but to start talking,” he recalls. “The book forced them out of the closet as parents of a gay man, whether they liked it or not.”

McDougall notes that his father, who has since passed on, became increasingly tolerant over the years, although he feels that his parents ‘tolerated’ rather than ‘accepted’ his sexuality.

“Many would feel I should push Mum to be more embracing of my homosexuality, however, I would have to be more embracing of her religious views, which I cannot be,” he says. “We agree to disagree. We concentrate on the things we love about each other, not the things we dislike.”

The impact of My Child is Gay still runs deep in many people’s lives.

Narelle Phipps is the Secretary for the NSW branch of Parents and Families of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG). She says it helped her and her family navigate their emotions when her son, Neil, came out to her in 1996.

“We were introduced to the book in PFLAG’s excellent library,” she tells SX. “We found it helpful being able to read the reactions and responses of other parents on becoming aware that their child is gay. Through reading My Child is Gay and our involvement with the wonderful members of PFLAG, we no longer felt isolated and we found the support we needed.”

Changing the world reader by reader continues to be McDougall’s aim with his second book due for release in February, titled The Too Hard Basket – If We Can Change Big Business, We Can Change the World. It’s a book which suggests new ways of tackling global problems to better serve the greater good.

But McDougall still receives feedback from My Child is Gay followers, including a teacher on the New South Wales South Coast who has included the book on her HSC students’ reading list.

“How times have changed!” McDougall beams. “Chances are, at least one of this teachers’ students will turn out to be gay. Her willingness to approach the subject in a non-judgmental and tolerant way not only contributes to developing well-rounded individuals, it could well save one of their lives.”

While mainstream Australian attitudes towards sexuality might have improved, My Child is Gay is as important as ever.

“It would be nice if we had come so far that it was completely irrelevant. Sadly though, there are still plenty of misinformed people out there,” McDougall muses. “As long as families belong to groups that label homosexuality as sin, there will remain a need for My Child is Gay.”

My Child is Gay is published by Allen & Unwin and is available at The Bookshop Darlinghurst. The Too Hard Basket can be pre-ordered from responsibility.com.au

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