Forget the papal mass. As Barry Lowe discovers, there are other ways to get closer to God.

Pssst. To you hundreds of thousands of Catholic youth now in Sydney. Pssst. Catholicism is curable you know. Yes, it is. Just as Buddhism, Mormonism, Seventh Day Adventism, Islam, Judaism and all the others are curable. After all, no one is born a Catholic. It’s not in your DNA like gayness is. And if you’re sick to death of apologising for the Church’s past “innocent errors”: torture, paedophile priests and nuns, believing the world was flat and that the universe revolved around us (a bit like the Pope, with his speed dial mobile to God, believes world morality revolves around him), infallibility, and a body count that would make Hitler and Stalin green with envy …

Nah, I’m not suggesting aversion therapy – it don’t work no how! What I’m suggesting is conversion therapy: pleasure will almost certainly always win over pain (masochists excepted). Give yourselves over to Divine Interventions. And if God didn’t approve he/she/it never would have given his/her/its imprimatur to the registration of the name.

What Divine Interventions gives you freely (well, not quite freely – it’s a bit like the Scientologists except less expensive) is God’s pleasure starting with what looks like a long thick tube of Coke frothing over at the tip, entitled God’s ‘Immaculate Rod’. Yes, my friends, it’s God’s divine dildo, though I think the company has short-changed Him (yea, scrub the other gender terms above, this God is definitely male). Surely the Dick of God is larger and more fulsome than the Dick of Jeff Stryker.

If pleasuring yourself with God is just that little step too far then try The Diving Nun. Eeew! Well, okay it may be all right for women and bi men and the occasional Satanist. As the company’s publicity says: “Slap this suction lady of Lordy-Lourdes on your convent wall! She sticks! She sucks! The Diving Nun will take you with her into the Grotto of Never Ending delight.”

Don’t miss the Virgin Mary either: “This Mother is … Superior” and “she like most smart women knows there is a second coming. And a third. And a fourth.”

The company also does a line in Baby Jesus Butt Plugs, Jackhammer Jesus (my favourite!), a pink Moses dildo (no longer available), Buddha’s Delight, Grim Reaper (the dildo of death), and Judas. But damn, he too is no longer. As the the publicity promised, “Imagine if he could fuck the Son of God what he could do to you!” – I guess I’ll never find out now.

And these are not your ordinary old perfumed rubber dildos – nah, they’re made out of silicon which is resilient, retains body heat and is easy to clean. The company also boasts that “should you try to fuck an electrical outlet in a rainstorm, silicone is also an electric insulant and weather resistant. So there.”

The company was set up by Nigel Ramsbottom (straight), who does legal work by day, and ex-Virginian Erik Core (gay).

“I have a lot of friends who work in religious organisations, from Buddhists to Catholics, and the response from everyone has been wonderful. People enjoy the concept. They think it’s very liberating, freeing and healing,” Erik said.

And, unlike the attendances at Catholic Church services, business seems to be on the up and up. But wait! What no Mary Baker Eddy anal beads, no Ron L. Hubbard butt plug, no pontifical poop pounder!

“No Muslim figures,” Erik revealed. “We’ve had a number of requests for them. However, we cherish our lives.”

Divine Interventions promises you a real religious experience and all for under US$70.