Having an open relationship isn’t for everybody. But for these gay couples, it’s been a crucial factor in their partnership’s success, writes Barry Lowe.

Con, 32, is sprouting off in front of Peter, 35, his partner, of twelve years.

“You wouldn’t eat the same food morning, noon and night for the rest of your life, would you? Well, having sex with the same partner for forty or fifty years holds the same sort of appeal.”

Con and Peter have what is commonly called an ‘open relationship’ although more clinical jargon includes polyfidelity, polyamory, non-monogamy, non-hierarchical poly and non-primary partners.

Talking to Australian gay male couples about their experiences reveals there are even more variations in lived reality as there is jargon.

“I don’t care what sort of terms you use to excuse the behaviour – it’s plain old fucking around,” computer programmer Des explains.

“I’m old fashioned and I think one exclusive partner is enough. If someone loves me then I should be all they want.”

The vehemence of his opinion is because his partner of fifteen years, Ben, a railway station ticketer, totally disagrees with him.

“Des has had to make a few adjustments,” he says. “I don’t believe in monogamy. Sure, I love him more than any man I’ve ever met. I would die for him if necessary. But I have a need to have sex with other men.”

“It’s an addiction,” Des interrupts.

Ben: “But if Des had not allowed me the space to pursue other partners our relationship would have failed.”

Des says that he “agreed under protest”. “And I’m still protesting even though I know it will do no good.”

Not all lopsided ‘open relationships’ share the same animosity as Des and Ben.

Claude is quite content for his partner, Brian, to go share the love.

“I wasn’t at first, I admit. But now I actually look forward to ‘my time.’ I can play my opera CDs and have friends over who Brian doesn’t like. Sure I know he’s out having sex with other men but I know he’s careful and he always comes home to me.”

Peter, a supermarket manager, says it’s a ‘matter of trust”.

“I couldn’t have coped with Con playing around in the early days of our relationship. I was too insecure. But once I was sure of his feelings toward me we gradually felt our way to including other people.”

The variation of lovestyles I discovered ranged from couples who take one night a week apart from each other to pursue (or not) other sexual partners, those who share the specifics of their infidelity (what a quaint old-fashioned word) to turn on their partner, those who do it but don’t want to talk about it, men who live in a group situation, bi men with a gay partner who feel the need to scratch that bisexual itch from time to time.

The variations are as myriad as there are relationships.

John is a respectable, suited 45-year-old CEO by day and a leather queen by night. He has a lover 20 years his junior and they have been together for six years.

“I love to watch Ethan get fucked,” he admits. “I get hard just thinking about it. I invite men back to our apartment and watch or we’ll go to a party and Ethan will be the object of a tag team gang bang. He loves it and when we get back home our lovemaking is soooo intense.”

Leather and other alternative sexualities featured strongly in ‘open relationships’ usually because one partner was not getting the stimulation he required and, rather than split up, the more vanilla partner allowed his spouse open time to indulge his fantasies.

Open relationships are, of course, different to cheating. They are based on an honest admission of multiple partners and each variation has to be carefully negotiated and parameters expanded and contracted according to need.

“Jaz and I have been together forty years,” says Alan, a call centre manager. 

“We were admired by our friends for the longevity of our relationship. About the seven-year mark and that old infamous itch, we were approached by a guy at a party who said he fancied us both. Jaz and I discussed it and we both fancied him so on the spur of the moment we took him home.

“It disappointed a lot of acquaintances but it breathed new life into our partnership which seriously looked like degenerating into non-sexual friends. We had to come out all over again as swingers.

“Although, being given permission to stray takes away some of the desire. But what it takes away as well is the tension, the frustration which I would normally take out on Jaz if a cute guy flirts with me. Knowing I can openly pursue any cute man makes me more particular.”

And who can argue with that?