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Grumpy Old God
The antics of Fred Phelps and his minions conjure up more than just hatred, writes Phil Scott.
Sometimes I feel like a grumpy old poof. It’s not a good look. Hot young pussy-boys can be grumpy and get away with it. Their sneering and pouting comes over as sultry. Their attitude looks like foreplay.
But that’s not the case when you have a few years under your belt, and as you get older it gets worse. Suddenly, sultry just looks like hung over.
Foreplay is: “All right then, but don’t make me late for work”. Pouting suggests your false teeth don’t fit. All those TV series about Grumpy Old Men and Grumpy Old Women (and the mixed one, Grumpy Old Cunts) aren’t making it any easier.
So thank god for the Westboro Baptist Church of Topeka (USA), its pastor Fred Phelps and their fabulous home page: God Hates Fags. I could kick the cat over the back fence, set fire to the neighbour’s washing, pay a dozen speeding fines and still not be as grumpy as these people!
When I discovered Fred’s site, I thought it was a hoax. Because one of the related sites was ‘God Hates Canada’, I assumed the creators of South Park had something to do with it. But no, it’s woefully real!
Fred and Co are the devout Christians who picket funerals on a regular basis. Not just the funerals of ‘fags’ (cigarettes have funerals?), but practically anyone: soldiers who have been killed in Iraq, teenagers who have been shot by their peers, etc.
These unrelated deaths are signs of “the wrath of an angry god who is punishing America”, and by extension the human race, for being human.
Here are the Westboro Baptists’ recent press releases:
– Thank god for another teenager killed in Kansas in a fiery car crash in Bonner Springs, Fri, Mar 28.
– Thank god for four more dead Kansas high school students, killed Mar 27, when a semi hit their car.
– Thank god for 4 more US soldiers killed in Iraq on yesterday (sic) - 4,000 to date!
– Thank god for six people dead in suspicious circumstances (5 by ‘an active shooter’) in Iowa City, Iowa! God sent the shooter.
Hilarious! I love “God sent the shooter”. Did he have a little card with him, like a bunch of flowers? Too camp.
According to these sweethearts, god hates: fags, Canada, Sweden (I get the point so far), Ireland, Mexico … Mexico? Does god hate colourful hats and big moustaches? I wouldn’t put it past him.
Typically, Australia doesn’t rate a mention, probably because we’re so namby-pamby about gay rights. How unfair! Why can’t we be hated too? I mean it’s not as though we’re especially liked!
The good pastor also claims: “‘God loves everyone’ is the biggest lie ever told”. I’m with him on that, one hundred percent.
It looks to me like this hatred God’s putting out there is your classic defence mechanism. The scattergun approach gives it away. Clearly, what grumpy old God really hates is himself.
So would I, if I’d created the Westboro Baptist Church.
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