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IT’S IN THE POST
Let it be known, my happy working relationship with Australia Post is well and truly over.
Last Thursday, after a rather delayed epiphany that Sunday was Mothers’ Day, I traipsed down to the post office on the corner of Wentworth and Oxford with my hastily-put-together present in tow.
I selected an appropriately-sized Express Post envelope from the shelf, filled it out, put my wares inside, sealed it up and went to the counter to pay – only to be told that it was too heavy and too thick.
This I found surprising (the contents weren’t much), but I agreed to pay the five-dollar excess fee.
So all in all it cost me $10.50 to send the parcel to Adelaide (not Alaska as I told the lady at the counter, but she wasn’t the funny, crack-a-few-jokes type).
Now the reason I selected the Express Post envelope was that, as you may know, it guarantees next day delivery. So, I was reasonably banking on the fact that Mum would receive said parcel by Friday in time for Mothers’ Day, and all would be right in the world.
But no. Much to my protracted dismay, the parcel only arrived on Monday – leaving a mother who was a little dejected and a lot pissed off.
Now I’m sorry, as far as I’m concerned, Express Post have breached their contract with me. The envelope says in big red letters ‘guaranteed next day delivery’ – not ‘probably next day delivery’ or ‘if we can be fucked next day delivery’ or ‘if it’s a blue moon next day delivery’, ‘GUARANTEED next day delivery’. ‘Guaranteed’ is not an ambiguous word.
But then my housemate informed me that Australia Post is apparently introducing a new ‘silver service’ Express Post envelope, which stipulates ‘absolutely guaranteed next day delivery’. Does that even make sense? I don’t think you can make something any more assured than ‘guaranteed’.
And not to mention the fact that the release of such a ‘superior’ envelope would render every other ‘guaranteed next day delivery’ envelope in the Australia Post network completely redundant. Talk about postal one-upmanship. Australia Post is turning into the Microsoft/Windows of the postage world.
Now I haven’t confirmed this fact by doing some research – mainly because the Australia Post website operates much like the staff at the Wentworth/Oxford office – ineffectively. I tell you, even when the line was curling out the door, they all worked at the speed of a special Olympic hurdler.
Ok, that’s all out – I can now move on. Love and light to you all.
STRAIGHT UP (HERSELF)
Oh my – the Idol juggernaut certainly breeds egos … And it appears that’s just the judges!
Colin Schoenberger of NewNowNext recently had a chin wag with American Idol judge Paula Abdul, and she offered these little self-assured pearls of insight:
“People talk about Madonna being the queen of reinvention, and while I applaud her, I don’t know anyone who’s reinvented themselves more than me, and created momumental, ginormous success in completely different areas of the industry.
“And that something nobody’s done – not in our generation and not anyone I’ve been reading up on since I was a little girl. I don’t know anyone who started below the line and became, first of all, a cheerleader, and then a revolutionsing cheerleader, and then one of the most world-celebrated photographers.”
I love people that can blow smoke up their own arse. Although I guess the nice thing about egotists is that they don’t talk about other people. Ever.
ICY RECEPTION
A children’s book about New York’s famous gay penguins is apparently the most complained-about library book in America for the second year running.
And Tango Makes Three is the true story of Roy and Silo, a pair of male penguins at New York’s Central Park Zoo who attempted to incubate a rock together until zookeepers gave them a real egg instead.
First published in 2005 and co-written by Justin Richardson and Peter Parnell, Tango has again topped the American Library Association’s (ALA) list of most ‘challenged’ books in public schools and libraries.
“The complaints are that young children will believe that homosexuality is a lifestyle that is acceptable,” said Judith Krug, director of the ALA’s Office for Intellectual Freedom. “The people complaining, of course, don’t agree with that.”
It seems this bad blood has got back to Roy and Silo. They have since split up. Apparently one day Silo turned and waddled off with Scrappy, a female penguin – after six happy years with Roy. Bastard.
Moreover, Roy and Silo’s ‘daughter’, Tango, has reportedly hooked up with chicks over the past few breeding seasons. God, keep that little fact away from those freakish ‘nurture’ proponents.
Richardson has urged critics to make like a penguin and chill. “We wrote the book to help parents teach children about same-sex parent families,” he asserted. “It’s no more an argument in favour of human gay relationships than it is a call for children to swallow their fish whole and sleep on rocks.”
Well said.
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