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 ARMAGEDDON
Well, the DIVA launch on Monday night at Stonewall was slightly more eventful than usual.
The place was filling up nicely, everyone was enjoying a pre-drink before the announcements were made, and then suddenly we heard this cacophonous racket outside. And before we could say ‘holy mother of god’, about 100 pilgrims – drums, tambourines, flags, and of course backpacks in tow – congregated directly outside Stonewall and proceeded to chant, sing, clap, point, snigger and laugh at the freaks inside (although we all know who the real freaks are). Seriously, it was like Armageddon.
Then, almost simultaneously, all of the queers and the drag queens inside Stonewall put down their drinks and ran to the street side to confront, or perhaps egg-on, these dirty pilgrims. Cameras were flashing, two-fingered salutes were offered, obscenities were yelled – I swear, the spectacle attracted folk from a two-block radius. As people from the street fought through the crowd to enter Stonewall, the pilgrims offered such chestnuts as ‘this is against god’ or ‘you’re going to hell’. Fucking hell! The Stonewall crew eventually turned up the music and the happy-clappies were drowned out by Kylie or something.
The mass tête-à-tête only lasted about five minutes – Maxi Shield arrived, double-d prosthetics strapped to her chest, and the pilgrims seemed to clear like rats out of a sinking ship. She was like Moses parting the Red Sea. But it was fascinating to witness such a profound, symbolic clash of two cultures – the brave, liberated, colourful queers, and the repressed, morally bankrupt, brainwashed pilgrims. For the first time, I could understand how something like the Stonewall riots in New York could happen.
And I was right last week! As I left Stonewall, I spotted a renegade pilgrim inside, still wearing the orange, red and yellow backpack.
All of last week, I found it very difficult not to look at every pilgrim I saw with fierce contempt. To me, contempt is the only appropriate response to someone who voluntarily travels to a city to celebrate a man and an institution that systematically seeks to marginalise and promote hatred.
Watching these pilgrims throw the condoms they were offered on the ground in disgust was horrifying. Condoms are arguably one the most important inventions of the last 400 years. And the harsh truth is that one time unprotected sex can kill you; a condom can save you. It is inconceivable that every child in the world isn’t taught that. As I have said before, we should be in a criminal court right now charging this insanely duplicitous institution with conspiracy to commit murder.
And we need to stop pandering to it. Governments need to stop pandering to it. Regardless of the so-called ‘good’ the Roman Catholic Church does, regardless of the fact that it ‘gives the masses something to believe in’, regardless of the fact that ‘not all Catholics hold the same beliefs’ – it is not okay. If a murderer previously engaged in charity work, he/she is still a murderer.
PS – Remember those vintage Prada shoes the Pope wore on arrival to Sydney? My publisher Peter Walton offered this little question – isn’t it funny that the Pope and the devil wears Prada?
T WICE THE WEIGH, TWICE THE PAY
I went to Adelaide on the weekend for a hens night – yes, I was the honourary gay hen… Anyway, I had just boarded the plane that was going to take me safely back to Sydney.
I had my preferred aisle seat (easy access to the bathroom and I can stick my leg down the aisle), and the two seats next to me were thus far vacant.
Anyway, the cabin was almost fully boarded and the seats were still empty. ‘Please, please, please’, I thought to myself. Then, I spotted a very sizable man, followed by an equally roomy woman carrying a crying baby, making their way down the aisle – pillows, bags, bottles and Toddler Gold in tow. It looked like the airport scene from Home Alone. ‘Fuck, please no’, I thought to myself. But sure enough – those shiny, pristine seats were theirs. Mother and baby took the window seat, father took the middle seat next to me – and in order to fit into the seat he had to lift the arm rest separating me and him.
Now, I’m sorry, if someone is so big that they have to lift the arm rest so as to squeeze their rotund figure into the seat, they should be buying two tickets. I paid just as much money as him, and should not have to endure two hours at an uncomfortable angle with my legs pressed together tightly just to accommodate for his atrocious diet and the fact that he’s never seen the inside of a gym. And, he was sweaty!All I could do was sit there and pray for daylight.
 COURTING THE PINK DOLLAR
This made me giggle. As Queerty reported, here are two suggestions for South Carolina’s ‘So Gay’ ad campaign, which gay group SC Pride will fund.
The Tourism bureau originally squashed the ad, but SC Pride raised the money on its own. Governor Mark Sanford was a particularly vocal opponent of the campaign, so I suppose he’s not laughing at these mock-ups. I am, though.
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