PINK PHILOSOPHY 

First came Sam Newman’s, “Do we want to have hordes of mincing, lisping, parading people wandering all over the country, all over the state adding nothing to it?” Followed by Jeff Kennett’s, “It’s the same if you have a pedophile there as a masseur, right?” And now its Brian McFadden’s, “If you are not gay, a man should not be wearing pink. Saying pink is a form of red is the same as saying homosexual is a form of male.”

Oh the calibre of straight man that can do well for himself in this country is awe-inspiring. Newman and Kennett, here they are asking the big questions and in McFadden’s case offering the hard-hitting truths we all need to accept.

Like many of you I had never heard of Brian McFadden until he became Delta Goodrem’s boyfriend or handbag as he appears to be more generally known. In fact I really didn’t know his name until he regaled us with his blinding insight into the symbolism of colours and sexuality. ‘Saying pink is a form of red is the same as saying homosexual is a form of male’, why of course! It’s so obvious! I’m just so frustrated that I didn’t think of it myself.

The Irish have given us a lot to be thankful for it seems.

Firstly it was that master of wit, Oscar Wilde and now it’s the philosophy of Brian McFadden. I for one am sold.

Only days after converting to McFadden’s philosophy the world seems a much clearer place. I have McFadden affirmations blue-tacked all over the house. On the wardrobe I am faced with, “Saying purple is a form of blue is the same as saying lesbian is a form of female”, maddening as my blue clothes out number my pink clothes ten to one, but just like reading Ludwig Wittgenstein’s Tractatus Logico-Philosophicus for the first time, the ‘Philosophy of McFadden’ may take some work before my feeble mind can properly integrate his brilliance into my life. On my chest of drawers there is, “Saying lemon is a form of yellow is the same as saying non-gender-specific baby clothes are a form of sanity”. EXACTLY!  Why didn’t I know this before? 
I also use the ‘Philosophy of McFadden’ to advise friends.

“Saying off-white is a form of white is the same as saying slut is a form of virgin,” I told an acquaintance who was debating the protocols of a bridal dress.

“Saying brown is a form of black is the same as saying the undead are a form of the dead,” I told another who was attending a funeral.
It makes sense in every way and my only wish now is that my new guru may read my own humble scribblings such as this:

“Saying a homophobic slur is a form of joke is the same as saying an ex boy-band, D-grade celebrity is a form of intelligence.”

I hope he gets it.

Rachel Cook

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