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 TRY BEFORE YOU BUY
Becoming a gay parent might be the way for some but for Colin Fraser, nothing beats being the gay uncle.
Gay parenting, whilst not exactly new, does have a resurgent currency given the newly-minted fondness for gay marriage. But are all gay men or women, like their heterosexual brethren, cut out for the round-the-clock pressure of child rearing? From toilet-training to television tantrums, force-feeding to binge-drinking (and that’s just the adults) – raising children is for a courageous few. Most parents it is said, and gay hopefuls are hardly any different, are the last people who should become parents.
So how can you tell if you’ve got the right stuff? A long weekend in Adelaide led to the obvious answer: Trial Parenting, Try Before You Buy. It works for cars, why not kids? What’s more, they come with a 100% guaranteed return policy. Three months later and we’re engaging in the experiment: Dr Karl would be proud, fond as he is of a good experiment.
First, start with friends. Strangers are often wary of handing over their children without a receipt. The loin-bearers of two, three-year-old boys were found to be agreeable.
Next, scout the right location. This is paramount to ensure the integrity of the experiment. We chose Bali because: a) weather, b) affordability and c) the Balinese love kids. If it all went to hell, at least someone would think of the children.
Spread over a three-bedroom villa on Canggu Beach, the ten-day research project began.
Think Big Brother with less sex and no cameras.
Several indicators were chosen to assess a series of events. When would the prospective parent begin squirming, become squeamish, avoid participation, avoid responsibility? Would we engage in family experiences or engage with the deck chair and a Margarita? Would we become over or under protective: “Don’t drink the water!” vs “Yes, you can pat the dog!”
A questionnaire tackled more complex issues. For example: When is it right to let a child swim on his/her own? Never / Only if you’re tired / Let the kids decide. When should a child eat noodles? Not sure / When they’re hungry / Only once they have full control of chopsticks.
It’s a fraught thing, trial-parenting. While we excelled in the art of ‘Swimming With Children’ (to my eternal surprise three-year-olds do not automatically use swimming pools as a toilet), we lost points in both the Pram Pushing and Holding On To Greasy Children While at Market exercises. Kids lubricated with fried noodles are very slippery indeed. We failed Discipline – young children are frustratingly aware of the inversely proportional relationship between Noise and Patience. The louder and more tuneless the former, the sooner a pleasing exodus of adults.
Yet there’s an unfathomable bond that occurs at the edges of this activity. Despite the tears and tantrums (mine), a fondness develops (theirs) until you’ve unwittingly become Favourite Uncle Number 1.
Yet no matter the free-flow of love, there’s nothing that can take the place of a deck-chair and Margarita. Or maybe it had something to do with the dog… Nonetheless, we’ll not become gay dads anytime soon.
Given a choice between spoiling children and returning their ruined souls to wary parents, or actually having to deal with the consequences, take the opt-out clause. By all means use children to wallow in games now considered inappropriate for adults, or as an excuse for watching Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. Fill them up with stories about imaginary fairies then give them an overdose of caffeine and sugar. Bugger the consequence, that’s what their parents are for.
Oh yes, being a gay uncle is much more fun.
Colin Fraser is a Sydney writer and SX’s film critic.
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