I love a sex toy but probably not in the way you’re thinking, more in an “Oh my God, what would you do with a huge black rubber arm like that” way.
In the past I’ve collected old bottles, Lego, bottle lids and, 20 years ago, I used to hoard black and white bovines (Diane, please don’t buy me any more cows) but I think I’d love to start an erotic toy collection. When the chit chat wanes at your next dinner party you could just whop out the ‘Dildo Dominator’ and watch the conversation erupt.
I popped into Adult World last weekend to see if they had any strap-on breasts for cross-dressers (a very strange bra-type rubber contraption with tits attached), only to find they now make a G-string for dress up kinks with a faux vag that looks more like it’s been beaten with a boot. At the counter they had a flyer for ‘Nexus – The toy designed to hit the male G-spot’. They range from the rather sedate ‘Glide’ right up to the ‘Excel’ for the ‘deeper cravings of a hungry man’.
I use a dildo in a performance that you can fill with various substances (water, wine or even champagne for that special occasion). When you squeeze the base, it spurts and it’s more fun than a colonic. While I was online ordering the product, I couldn’t resist buying ‘The Hot Seat’, an inflatable cushion with a dildo attached to the centre.
I’ve found cucumber and corn dildos (for vegetarians) and there’s a dildo that plugs into the cigarette lighter – so if the van’s a rockin’ don’t come a knockin’ cause they might be on their own.
Another thing that fascinates me are those huge monstrosities that they sell online called ‘sex machines’, with names like the ‘gangbang’ and the ‘thumpstir’. There’s even a book by Timothy Archibald that documents the secretive subculture of hobbyists who build these fucking broncos in their garages across America.
When I was in Paris, I was wandering around the French equivalent of Kings Cross and passed the Museum of Erotica. Now if you have a look at the website, it all looks quite tasteful. There is erotic Japanese art, sacred erotica and contemporary art but it was the display in the front window that fascinated me. There was a chair with a split in the centre of the seat. A paddle steamer-style wheel was attached underneath with tongues all the way around. Sit on the pot and lick-a-lot.
As much as sex shops are great for enhancing your bedroom affairs there are many toys that make you laugh nervously and heartily. Variety is the spice of life. Old-school dildos are still very popular but so are the more obtuse internal invaders.
By the by, for all the people that have asked if I’m going to respond to Verushka’s letter, a very wise woman (God bless my dear mother) once said “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all” so...
Screw you too
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