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Bake It Off
So I’ve got a real job.
I’m experiencing the early rise, the commute on public transport with the smell of coffee breath all around me and people who haven’t brushed their teeth since 1974, then the gentle waft of BO in the afternoon as it intermingles with the delightful odours of jumpers and jackets harbouring smells from a Benson and Hedges pack. Ah, the joys of the common people.
I’ve started working at BGF as an event consultant (doesn’t that sound posh?) in the lead up to the Bake Off. I’m always the first person that comes up with some cock-a-mammy idea that someone else spends days organising while cursing that blasted drag queen under their breath. Now I’m that person.
It’s the Bake Off’s 21st birthday party. She’s all grown up and ready to pole dance. There are a few highlights on the must-attend gay calendar and the Bake Off is certainly up there with the best.
I’m busy begging people for prizes, contacting volunteers and trying to implement some of those ‘helpful’ suggestions I’ve made in the past. And now I know why every time I open my big mouth, people moan and roll their eyes (and not in a good way).
For the first time ever we are introducing our ‘Celebrity Oven Mitts’. We’ve approached several high-profile designers to see if they’d be willing to decorate our rather drab white oven mitts and give them the razzmatazz that the Bake Off deserves.
We will then display them on the SameSame website and you can vote for the best before we auction them off on the day. We are also having some cake boys as well as our fab drag hostesses. In an attempt to stop the girls groping the punters we have given them some boys from PriapeWear to grope instead.
I’ve also begged Maxi to collect up the boys’ jock straps from Rugger Bugger VII and we will auction those off. They will be unwashed and for those out there with culinary talent, we will include a recipe for a hearty winter soup. MMMmmm. ‘Jock stock’ ... better than beef broth.
So I need your help, please. Bake, bitches. It’s our 21st so the theme is as wide as my shoulders. If you can bake it, I can sell it. Volunteer to keep an eye on the drag queens, the cakes or just gawk at the Sydney Convicts. Go to www.bgf.org.au and let us know how you can help.
If there is anyone out there that works for the Hilton or the Hyatt or any hotel, get the Chef de Partie to whip up a gastronomical delight that we can auction off. If you know of someone with a business that can donate items I can auction off then let us know. The bigger, the better. After all, it is the 21st and I want this to be huge.
The BGF Bake Off will be held on June 15 at The Midnight Shift. Cake displays from midday. Entertainment from 2:30pm. Auction from 4:00pm.
Have a look at www.facebook.com/people/Beatrice_Gertrude_Flapjack/1258296813.
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